When I see the Ocean, I see Mother as God. Full, dynamic, a force I can only surrender to, a womb who takes me back inside. My own mother said today, “You are just like your grandmother (her mom). I thought, Yes, I am. I owned the Mother in me. And, I saw a child’s innnocence in her. It’s as if she wondered how little I belonged to her; she saw my sovereignty. Is it a coincidence that I grew up with my grandmother till I was five? And, what is it exactly that she imparted? What is it that took root and is finally blooming?
Sometime in my twenties I had the following dream. I’m at my grandma’s house and there is a procession of Mother Mary. This was an actual tradition which used to take place in the village. People would scrub floors, paint the walls and build a special shrine to Mother Mary when she arrived at their home. Neighbors would be invited to come and offer prayers and sing songs for about a day or two. She would move on to another house and so on. In my dream I’m in trasit from the neighbor’s house to my grandma’s house but I’m not carrying Mother Mary. I am carrying blood in my hands. The blood drips through my fingers yet my hands are always full of it. I marvel at this miracle and at the same time I feel strangely inadequate to be entrusted with this holy phenomenon. My grandma says to me, ”You still don’t know how to do this. You are learning. I can’t die until you learn the ways of the Mother. To whom am I going to leave my daughter (my mom)?
I understood the symbol of the hands and blood as being the uterus, a woman’s sacred mystery to create life, but it didn’t become real to me until I went through the initiation of motherhood. Then, the word became flesh. People became my children and my own uterus became a home. I remember my shamanic teacher Maggie Whals (www.shamanelder.com) and my excercise of finding kiva/home from which we operate, to which we return to after we journey. I wasn’t doing so good. She scolded me, “Halina, your kiva/home is not for every Tom, Dick and Harry!” That’s what my grandma used to say. But, I didn’t get it until I had to protect my baby and until I ached for intimacy so much I was willing to endure aloness.
While Kaya and I were at the beach the other day I built a medicine wheel for myself with the intention of entering these mysteries: devotion, intimacy, connectedness, guardianship, timelessness and moving from my core. I get that the cycle of life depends on me and my alignment with my deepest longings.
(http://www.energymedicinewheel.com/Medicine-Wheel.html
