Emotional Etiquette

Yes, there is such a thing as Emotional Etiquette, and even though I have not heard it put that way, I hope to perhaps coin the phrase (if someone already hasn’t). It is an honoring yet responsible way to deal with  emotions.

I believe if we come up with tools and strategies–etiquette–to be responsible with our emotions our relationships, health and environment would greatly improve! How many times do you catch yourself saying:  Don’t put your shit on me;  No, I’m fine or I am so furious right now; This conversation is over; What’s bothering you? I can’t stand it when you..; There is no point in talking–you never listen. Feel free to insert your favorite one. I believe at this point in our evolution as human beings, we truly need to honor this part of ourselves because emotions are extremely viable signals from life which help us connect to a vast network of informaiton about ourselves, our environment and most importantly:  how to co-exist with each other and our planet.

Have you ever walked into a room where someone has just had a fight? How did that feel? Conversely, have you ever walked into a temple or a place of worship? Notice the difference in your body?  Emotions aren’t just subjective, intangible, transient events. They are energy in motion and just like an x-ray or gravity they affect matter with which they interact–like you and I.

So here are a few points to consider:

- Ask Permission to Talk About Your Emotions. “Venting” or even sharing a deep experience with someone  may be overwhelming (at the end of the day when we are tired) or inappropriate (the office).  Often times we feel the need to “tell someone” about what’s going on with us because the emotional energy is uncomfortable to be with. A better idea is to create a container–in the form of a designated time, space, person–to responsibly emote.  Ask the person with whom you’d like to share, “Can we create a time/space for me to share something I’m feeling.”  Additionally, you can set the tone of compassion by asking that the person “hold space” for you to talk about what you are feeling without offering advice or comments until you are done.  Be prepared to be flexible meanwhile taking care of yourself. Ultimately, our emotions are our responsibility.

-The Difference Between Thoughts and Feelings. Susan Forward, the author of Emotional Blackmail makes a great distinction between thoughts and feelings.  “Keep in mind” she says, “that a feeling is an emotional state that can be expressed in one, or at most two words.” For example, I feel worried. She clarifies, ”The moment you say ‘I feel like or ‘I feel that…,’ you’re describing what you think or believe” so add how that makes you feel, and you are at the heart of the matter. Being emotionally clear about what you feel puts others at ease and may help the emotion move through your body. One of the fastest ways to stop projection (when you are feeling confused about who’s feelings belong to whom) is to get clear and honest about your own.

-Best way to stop a difficult interaction. This is a brilliant suggestion by Carl Alasko, Ph.D. in his book Emotional Bullshit which resonated with me when I read it. He says that during a difficult  interaction we need to stop and figure out the best way to take care of our authentic needs which is part of self-care–another concept I love and live by. He suggests asking yourself, What do I need from this situation–right now? You may also have a general one like “I need to build relationship and bring this person closer to me” or “I always need serenity.”

I hope you find this helpful. Feel free to share.